Remembering my humanity

 It´s mortifying how many people are begging, and living in the streets in Madrid. Many days I walk with a sort of mental shield in order not to be completely torn apart by it because I literally cannot walk a block in my neighborhood without seeing a person begging. Along the route from my house to the metro, on every corner, there is someone. By now I know all there faces, I even know where some of them sleep at night. I give food or change when I can, but there is that feeling of guilt that you can´t do more, and can´t help everyone....and the sadness that comes from feeling that there is little hope of them getting out of poverty....if able, educated people with advanced degrees can´t find work right now in Spain, what are their chances of getting work or help? How has it come to this? How can governments and societies have any peace of mind knowing that so many citizens are hungry and homeless. Where is the justice? I think the main reason why many people avoid looking at these people when they see them in the street is because we know that if we look in their eyes, we will remember that they are fellow human beings. We will imagine the depths of their suffering, and we will recognize that, though we are lucky, we could just as easily have been unlucky, and with a cruel twist of fate, in their position. Tonight I decided to try to leave that area of fear...I knocked on the glass door of the BBVA ATM where a homeless man I see everyday sleeps. He was laying in a sleeping bag, head inside a box. He sat up at the sound of my knock. He looked at me confused for a second, and then realized my intent when he saw me pointing to the food and change. As he went to unlock the glass door, I overcame my fear and looked him in the eyes. I left as he was opening the door to retrieve the things, so we didn´t speak...But after looking him straight in his eyes, my walls fell and my humanity was able to break free. As I walked away, I imagined how alone he must feel at night in that ATM, sleeping on cardboard...and hungry too and my heart longed to tell him that he wasn´t completely alone. That I worried about him, that I cared - that I was hoping he would be safe, that he would make it.  I imagined how much he not only must long for basic necessities, but also love, company, human connection. I imagined how horrible it must feel to have people walk by everyday and ignore you. To be begging for help, and most people won´t even look at you - because some don´t care, but because most are scared.Today I remembered my humanity. And now that my walls have been broken down, I feel tomorrow I can even speak to him, ask him his name....and maybe with my humanity intact I will now be able to help more...maybe getting back in touch with my humanity was a step in the right direction. I don´t know what can be done about this pervasive problem, but I hope things change. I hope there is more HOPE than I realize.

A Test

Truth be told, while the last couple of months have been great in many ways, they have also been very difficult. Despite my attempts to try and control and organize my life, so many things have been up in the air and have felt completely beyond my control. Trying to control things you have no control over can drive you crazy, and I finally had a complete meltdown, a meltdown which at first felt like it was coming from out of nowhere. However, after some thoughtful refelction, I realized I was scared and worried over so many things, much of which I hadn´t realized. And I was making myself absolutely miserable. In the midst of this breakdown, where I really felt I had hit rock bottom, I began to look at my fears and the worse-case scenarios of the situations that were preoccupying me. Then I began to imagine what would happen and what I would do if they did come true. Of course if any of those fears did manifest, it would be difficult or even painful, but I realized I would get through it and find my way afterwards. I even began to imagine the ways in which I could move past each situation.

Obviously, I didn´t want to continue feeling sad and I realized the main thing that was making me miserable were my fears and my attempts to control matters beyond my control. I knew the only way to feel better was to really do what I wrote that I wanted to do months ago...Surrender all of those fears. And I did that. I acknowledged that any of my fears could happen, and if they did, I would handle it. But I also acknowledged that there is a generous and kind Universe connecting us all, and that has a way of leading us along the paths we were meant to walk. Since then, I have felt so much better. Nothing new has changed, all of those fears and uncertainty are there, the only difference is that I accept it and have surrendered it all.

I think the Universe has a way of testing the things we need to work on. I wrote that I wanted to be able to surrender to a Universe that has taken care of me for almost 27 years now. However, it´s one thing to say it, it´s another thing to do it. I think the Universe, knowing what lessons I still need to learn, gave me the challenge of actually doing it.

Our Addiction

It has become my opinion that many people are addicted to worrying. Just as some people are addicted to drama, and always have to have a problem, I believe a far more common ailment in our society has become an addiction to worrying. So many of us have to have something to worry about - it´s almost as if we feel uneasy when everything around us is actually going well. And so we worry about something, and when that problem has vanished, we find another worry to replace it.

This made me begin to think about what it would be like to have the opposite problem - to live ones life on the contrary. What would it be like to have a life where one didn´t worry enough? Imagine being in a constant state of tranquility because you know that worrying changes nothing and because you realize that it is futile to worry that the happiness you do have is going to go away.

Today it dawned on me how much this addiction gets in the way of accepting our current happiness. So many of us having great things going for us. We tell our friends that we are happy where we are at this moment in our lives. There are so many exciting things happening in our lives. We have so much to be happy about and so much to be thankful for - Yet, we aren´t fully embracing our happiness because we continue to worry. Every moment spent worrying takes away from time that could be spent appreciating the happiness we have now. We worry and worry about something that might happen, and eventually something does happen (because that is life) but we look back and we realize we didnt really make the most of those times that were truly happy, joyful periods in our life.

With that realization, my initiative has become to enjoy this exciting, amazing period of my life. To not take this joy for granted - and to not waste the bliss worrying.

Surrendering to the Universe

I have always had to have a reason to write a blog, a trip, a new life in a new country, a big adventure. Now, I have finally come to the point where I want to write, with no other motive than writing just for me, just to get out the things I am thinking.

I talk a lot about the ¨Universe¨ and it would be fitting to explain what I mean by that. But to tell you the truth, I dont know exactly what I mean by it. I know I dont mean any particular God - but what exactly I mean, I´m not sure. All I can say is that to me, the Universe is an energy that is there to guide me and help me if I allow it to. When I actually try to visualize it, I imagine the blue-black sky of the Universe filled with illuminated strings connecting us to the places and people that we need to discover. I called this blog ¨The Surrender¨ because it´s what I hope to do - what I am striving to do. To release my worries and preocupations about the present moment, and the future, remembering that the Universe will guide me to where I am supposed to be when I trust in it and listen to it.

In moments of anxiety, when I am wise, I remind myself that the Universe has always had my back, so why would it let me down now? Even when I think just in the blessings it has given me, I feel its presence. I feel thankful for the blessings, and I feel thankful for the way it has helped me arrive to this very moment, right now. Looking back at choices, and things that happened to me that weren´t even choices at all, I can see the Universe´s hand. At times, especially when I think about certain situations that could have ended even more catastrophically, I feel immense gratitude for the Universe navigating me out and putting me back on track. I look back at so many situations where I had a definitive choice to make - and in several situations, with the wisdom of hindsight, I came close to making decisions that I am very glad I didnt make. Incidents, signs,listening to my intuition, meeting and talking to the right people, helped me to make choices I am happy I made.

It´s easy to say ¨Relax, be quite, listen to the signs, stop being scared and the Universe will guide you.¨ It´s another thing to do it. I can know that this good advice, but it´s another thing to let go and practice it - and that´s what I am working at. Little by little, day by day. I know there are times when my behavior doesn´t seem to reflect the mindset of the person writing this right now. But it´s a struggle. We are constantly evolving, and not always in a forward trajectory. Sometimes, you work on and improve on one personal aspect of yourself, feel as though you have made it through that problem, only to find something else you need to work on. Im not always wise enough to heed my own advice - and sometimes it takes some steps backwards in order to do so - but hopefully, with some practice and persistence, this way of thinking will become a habit!