A Test

Truth be told, while the last couple of months have been great in many ways, they have also been very difficult. Despite my attempts to try and control and organize my life, so many things have been up in the air and have felt completely beyond my control. Trying to control things you have no control over can drive you crazy, and I finally had a complete meltdown, a meltdown which at first felt like it was coming from out of nowhere. However, after some thoughtful refelction, I realized I was scared and worried over so many things, much of which I hadn´t realized. And I was making myself absolutely miserable. In the midst of this breakdown, where I really felt I had hit rock bottom, I began to look at my fears and the worse-case scenarios of the situations that were preoccupying me. Then I began to imagine what would happen and what I would do if they did come true. Of course if any of those fears did manifest, it would be difficult or even painful, but I realized I would get through it and find my way afterwards. I even began to imagine the ways in which I could move past each situation.

Obviously, I didn´t want to continue feeling sad and I realized the main thing that was making me miserable were my fears and my attempts to control matters beyond my control. I knew the only way to feel better was to really do what I wrote that I wanted to do months ago...Surrender all of those fears. And I did that. I acknowledged that any of my fears could happen, and if they did, I would handle it. But I also acknowledged that there is a generous and kind Universe connecting us all, and that has a way of leading us along the paths we were meant to walk. Since then, I have felt so much better. Nothing new has changed, all of those fears and uncertainty are there, the only difference is that I accept it and have surrendered it all.

I think the Universe has a way of testing the things we need to work on. I wrote that I wanted to be able to surrender to a Universe that has taken care of me for almost 27 years now. However, it´s one thing to say it, it´s another thing to do it. I think the Universe, knowing what lessons I still need to learn, gave me the challenge of actually doing it.